I can’t say that I hate myself,
Because what is ‘hate’?
A state of the heart,
Or a state of the brain?
Right now my heart is a mess
I have so many troubles
So many sins to confess
And my mind is twisted
Full of thoughts and unrest
I think of all the things I’ve cursed
And nothing I’ve blessed
What do I do?
What do I say?
How do I pay
For all the things I’ve done?
This isn’t new
Not today
Do I find a way to make this fun?
It’s not self-loathing
This is a reckoning of the heart
Where it has split down the middle
And become two parts
I can’t say that I hate myself,
Because I don’t know who I am
Never really trying to be myself
But somebody else instead
What a lonely trip sometimes
Even surrounded by those who love me
The loneliness tightens its grip
A vice that keeps me from being free
What do I depend on?
Who do I depend on?
My state of existence
Disgusts even me on occasion
My speech full of anger and doubt
It leaves deep wounds and abrasions
What is wrong with me?
What compels a seemingly normal person
To commit acts of random stupidity
When it makes the situation worsen
You know who and what does love me
My dogs
Without judgement
Without reciprocation.
I don’t do the right thing when I should
I never follow the leader
I want but I don’t
I try to feel but it won’t
I don’t know myself
I’ve wronged myself
All I care about is myself
I don’t like myself
I pity myself
I can’t stand myself
But I can’t say that I hate myself.
- Daniel Pitner